MOVIE REVIEWS
“BLUE JASMINE”
by Doug Young
A STREETCAR NAMED WOODY
Woody Allen and some actors are sitting down for a table read of his script outline for his new film. It’s still being formed, but he has decided to give what he has so far a trial run and call it Blue Jasmine. The potential cast, who are all sitting around a large conference table, include Cate Blanchett, Alec Baldwin, Sally Hawkins, Andrew Dice Clay, Bobby Cannvale, Louis C.K., Michael Stuhlbarg, Peter Sarsgaard, and a number of typically Woody-esque character actors with wonderfully unique faces.
Woody: Um, thanks, uh, you know, for
all of you to, um, join me to, well, walk
through some ideas I have for, um, a new
film. Um, I think you all, uh, know each
other, right?
Bobby Cannvale: (Looking over at
actress Sally Hawkins) Hey, there! Sally,
Baby!
Sally Hawkins: (Flustered and a bit
annoyed) Don’t holler at me like that.
Bobby: Catch!
Sally: What?
Bobby: We gonna catch some great
acting from ya in this here flick called Blue
Jasmine?
Sally: (looking sheepishly and giddily
over at Woody) Bobby! Why, are you gonna
be in it?
Bobby: Yep, I’m gonna be your Brando-
esque lug of a husband to be! Ain’t that a
kick?!
Sally: Can I watch you act a bit first?
Bobby: Sure! Come on, let’s step into
this other room and I’ll show you my chops!
(Bobby and Sally giggle and playfully
leave out a side door)
Female Character Actor: (Looking over
at actress Cate Blanchett) What’s the
matter, honey? You seem lost in thought.
Cate Blanchett: They told me to take
this part as I might desire it, but then I’m
not so sure I’m right for it.
Female Character Actor: But you’re
here now.
Blanchett: At the script table read?
Female Character Actor: This here is
the table read.
Blanchett: (darting looks around the
room) They mustn’t have — understood —
what movie I wanted…
Female Character Actor: What movie
you lookin’ for?
Blanchett: Something called Blue
Jasmine.
Female Character Actor: You don’t
have to look no further.
Woody: (interjecting) Um, that’s right, I
hope you stay a bit and consider this part. I,
uh, know that a star of your, um, striking
good looks and top billing has plenty of
other lucrative acting offers. In, um, this
film, you are Sally Hawkins’s sis, uh, that is
you are adopted sisters, um, by that I mean
you are not related but were both adopted
by the same parents…ah, that is so that you
can have widely different personalities and
yet still be sisters…well, you know what I
mean.
Blanchett: (again looking around the
room with more import) So, I’m looking for
my sister, Sally Hawkins. I mean — Mrs.
Bobby Cannvale.
Female Character Actor: This is the
party — you just keep sitting there and
she’ll be right back.
Blanchett: (irritated and annoyed) This
— can this be — the movie? I need a
drink…
Female Character Actor: We’ve got
someone bringing in some catering in a jiff.
Blanchett: Oh.
Female Character Actor: You weren’t
expecting this?
Blanchett: No. No, not exactly. I was
expecting something with many more A-list
recognizable actors. I’m not accustomed to
playing off of unfamiliar extras. I have
reached a level in my career where I have
name recognition — I have a certain reputa-
tion and acclaim — and can certainly play
opposite actors of equally high stature. You
just wouldn’t understand.
Female Character Actor: (offended)
Well, I’ll just be on my way then. (exits)
Blanchett: (sighing) I’ve got to keep hold
of myself! Now where are my pills?
(Sally returns to the room, plunks herself
back down at the table and sees Blanchett
across the table frantically digging through
her chic Louie Vuitton purse)
Sally: Blanchett!
Blanchett: Sally, oh, Sally, Sally! Sally for
Star! Now, then, let me look at you. But
don’t you look at me, Sally, no, no, no, not
till later, not till I’m in my elegant gowns and
expensive designer couture for this part!
Oh, my baby! Sally! Sally for Star! I thought
you would never consider coming to
America to make a movie! What am I
saying? I didn’t mean to say that. I meant to
be nice about it and say — Oh, what a
convenient location and such — Ha-a-ha!
Precious lamb! You haven’t said a word to
me.
Sally: You haven’t given me a chance to,
honey!
Blanchett: Well, no let’s not talk until
after this table read! They must have some
liquor in this place! Where is that damn
caterer?!
Sally: (a bit exasperated) Blanchett, you
take it easy and let me get the drinks.
Maybe a coke’s in this mini-fridge.
Blanchett: No coke, honey, not with my
nerves tonight! Where — where — where
is — ?
Sally: Bobby? He’s out looking for some
beer and burgers, or a pile of hot wings. He
loves to eat…He’s having a — found some
water! — eating contest…
Blanchett: Just vodka, baby, to chase
down these pills! Now don’t get worried,
your sister hasn’t turned into a hoity-toity
actress, she’s just all shaken up and hot
and tired and dirty! You sit down, now, and
explain this part to me! What are you doing
in a movie like this?
Sally: (concerned about Blanchett’s
jitteriness) You seem a little bit nervous or
overwrought or something.
Blanchett: Will Bobby like acting with
me, or will I be considered just an aloof
character, Sally? I couln’t stand that.
Sally: You’ll get along fine together, if
you’ll just try not to — well — compare him
with other actors that you have worked
with. Like the slick posturing of Alec
Baldwin, who plays your former husband
that showered you with riches and spoiled
you while you turned a conveniently blind-
eye to his philandering and shady business
dealings which results in your leaving him
so that you now have to fend for yourself in
the harsh real world that you are not
prepared for ending up on my ramshackle
doorstep setting.
Blanchett: Is he so — different?
Stella: Yes. A different species. He plays
a car mechanic with a goombah affect.
Blanchett: Oh, I’m not going to be hypo-
critical, I’m going to be honestly critical
about it! Never, never, never in my worst
dreams could I picture…
(Just then Bobby reenters the room and
plunks himself down at the table near
Blancett and continues munching on a
greasy burger while leering at her)
Blanchett: You must be Bobby. I’m
Blanchett.
Bobby: Sally’s sister character?
Blanchett: (looking over at Sally) May I
— improvise and — speak — plainly?
Sally: Yes, do. Go ahead. As improvised
plainly as you want to.
Blanchett: Well — if you’ll forgive me —
he’s a common actor!
Sally: Why, yes, I suppose he is.
Blanchett: Suppose! You just suppose
that any part of a gentleman’s in the nature
of his part! Not one particle, no! Oh, if he
was just — over-acting! Just a plain part —
but good and wholesome, but — no.
There’s something downright — bestial —
about his characterization! He acts like an
animal, has an animal’s habits! Eats like
one, moves like one, talks like one! There’s
even something — sub-human — some-
thing not quite to the stage of human yet!
Yes, something — ape-like about him, like
one of those movies I’ve seen in — the
Planet of the Apes series! Bearing the raw
meat prop to the set like a kill in the jungle!
And you — you here — a character waiting
for him! Maybe he’ll pretend to strike you or
maybe method-act and grunt and kiss you!
That is, if kisses have been written into his
contract! Day-for-night falls and the other
acting apes gather! There in the front of the
camera, all grunting like him, and swilling
and gnawing and hulking! Woody growls
“action” — his oafish creature snatches at
something — the bombastic posturing is on!
God! Maybe we are a long way from being
made in classic actors’ images, but Sally —
my sister — there has been some progress
since then! Such things as art — as poetry
and music — such kinds of new light and
computer-generated effects have come into
the cinematic world since then! In some
kinds of actors some tenderer feelings have
had some little beginning! That we have got
to make expressed! In this dark march
toward whatever it is we’re performing in….
Don’t — don’t hang back with the brutes!
Sally: You know, Blanchett, now that you
mention it I think you’re right. He is kinda
brutishly acting! I think I’ll have a dalliance
with this here actor, Louis C.K. He’s so
much nicer and sorta acts like the British
actors I’m more used to. Besides, he’s just
a walk-on character.
Bobby: Sally? SALLY?! My actress wife-
to-be has left me! (turns to the person
sitting on the other side of him) Character
actress? I want my baby! (waits for a
response, nothing, so entreats again) Char-
acter actress? I’ll keep on askin’ until I talk
with my baby!
Female Character Actress: Quit that
scenery-chewing howling!
Bobby: I want my co-star with me as the
script demands! (still no response, so he
gets up and goes to the end of the confer-
ence table)
Bobby: SAL-LLLLYYYYYYY!!!
Sally: There are no lines here for me to
express here, so just SHUT UP already!
(There is a long silence as everyone looks
around awkwardly; Blanchett longingly looks
around and catches the eye of actor Peter
Sarsgaard, who has been reviewing other
scripts the whole time; he clumsily realizes
that this is his cue to speak up)
Peter Sarsgaard: Oh, um, I’ll date you,
Blanchett, as I’m looking for someone of
your refined acting tastes to be my trophy
actress wife so you can stand there looking
pretty during my scripted campaigns for
political office.
Blanchett: Young man! Young man!
Young, young, young man! Has anyone ever
told you that you look like a young Prince
out of an Arabian Nights movie? Well, you
do, honey lamb! Come here. I want to kiss
you, just once, softly and sweetly on your
mouth!
Andrew Dice Clay: (given the high sign
by Woody to interject in his gruff New
Jersey accent) Hey, I’m Sally’s former
husband character here to tell you how
much of a pompous jerk you are —
Blanchett’s character — and to expose the
raft of lies that she has been spinning about
her so-called wholesome past — and I’m
saying this to you right in front of Peter’s
character here so he can know the true
score and dump your sorry ass, and you
can go back to guzzling pills and vodka and
wander the streets in you designer dresses
talking to yerself about how you should be
nominated for an Academy Award or some-
thing for this portrayal. (pleased with his
delivery, he adds) Ha! I’ll bet you all never
thought you’d see me in some art-house
production by Woody Allen! Show’s you!
That award ought to be mine!
(Just then a person walks in and tells
everyone that he is willing to finance this
film)
Woody: (looking relieved and thankful)
Whoever you are — I, um, have always
depended on the, ah, kindness of financiers,
fans, critics and any movie patron who, um,
you know, forgives me for marrying my
adopted daughter.
